Disclaimer: This poetry was written whilst listening to music and was written to accompany that music.
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I pound in time and time pounds against me.
Take my name. Swing. JUMP JUMP JUMP. Please let me love it all.
Best of all it takes me away.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj IT LACKS MEANING!
I don’t care. It pounds and bobs and jumps and thuds and louder and louder and faster……
Heat, moves, fast, and, it, grows.
I Don’t know why or how or care or think it just takes me away. YES YES YES YES YES!
I DO NOT CARE!
I DO CARE!
Best of all it takes me away.
I confess it’s stupid and unoriginal and pretentious and derivative and rubbish and I’m not very good.
I’m sleeping through life just wishing and wanting and trying.
If you could only hear the music too. My music. Is it quiet or not?
Get everything written down and get it right. I can’t blame myself for wanting it. I know I’m always honest. Or was the never? To myself or others. It depends.
IIIIIIIIIIIIII- don’t blame myself.
PART 3OY FALL
I want to sleep with everybody and everyone who will sleep with me. But only the beautiful people.
I keep telling myself I keep myself I’m not a douchebag. I’m not a scumbag. That I’m a good guy and I always will be.
But part of my wants to be alone. Wants to be all of that. Wants things it shouldn’t.
I can’t tell you or anyone. I hate telling myself.
I hate telling myself I hate telling myself. I’m not alone. I have something amazing and great and wonderful and I don’t do too well on my own so why do I keep thinking those stupid fucking thoughts.
It’s such a small part of me such a small part of me but how do I kill it. Can it be killed or will it just grow. Fester and grow. How do I cut it off? What if it spreads?
I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want to hurt you.
Anger and frustration?
You are really what I always wanted in every single way. If I close my eyes I cannot possibly need anything else. It’s worth the world to me. How could I ever take that away from us?
Where does this go wrong?
Pretentious shitty questions.
I wouldn’t want to leave without you. I want you. I chose you.
Perhaps too quickly. FUCK YOU FOR BEING PERFECT.
I want you to screw up or hate me so I can screw up and hate you. How stupid is that?
How motherfucking cunting shit fucking stupid fucking fuck fuck is that?
I just want it to stop. I wish I could want you more than anything else in the world. But all I see is what you don’t have. That one fucking thing.
Two fucking things.
Will I always see them? Everywhere else? Will I always want them?
I just want them so fucking bad and it’s just so fucking bad of me.
A falling feeling I fall with it alone. I can’t explain and I hate it with such disdain.
My mind is fucked up, it just wants you to leave me alone.
Not really. A tiny fragment. But it stings and niggles and won’t fucking stop bleeding.
I want it to shut up. To go away. But it won’t.
It seems a ridiculous thing to bring such dark. To blot out all the other amazing and beautiful things that I have.
It’s not leaving though. Not anytime soon.
Here’s my thoughts on vacation. On holiday.
I beg them to leave to fuck off. To sing a happy song forever.
Hollow thoughts better than dead ones.
By now you know I’m away and lost. Take me down I’m useless without you. Useless at being with you. Thoughts stray and stray and without ever letting go I knew I need you to be with you.
Is it co-dependency or true love? Waiting for the love to kick in. SHOUTING IN MY HEAD NO! I remember your eyes.
By now you know I’m away and what do you think. I’m found when I’m with you. I don’t understand I don’t know why I feel this way. I can’t lay down. I don’t know. I can’t see your face. I remember your eyes, place your features. I don’t know I don’t know why I can’t see your face.
As I lay down I cry now. Just angry noises in my head. Drowning out the rebellious thoughts. Noises.
Just let it go. I blew past it all. Just let it go. Let me go. I figured it out. I need it. No one will believe the lie. It’s all a lie. No one believe the lies. I won’t believe the lies. My lies. I hate it.
We all need some time. No one understands what’s it like. I had high hopes of this and I thought I would change for the best. I have changed. I think. No one understands. I’ve got it all figured out and I know what I want and I won’t play anyone for the fool least of all you.
Let’s be honest. If we break up. We’ll survive.
That’s my heart on my sleeve. No one understands what this is like. Not even me. I don’t understand. I’m only just catching up.
I’m in a field of landmines. How to navigate. It’s so hard to find help when you’re counting on me. Will I burn it all. Will it all go down. It’s getting harder to believe that this can end well.
But we’ll survive.
Night time fades away. It was a big mistake. If you could take it back, what you did, because of how things seemed? Would you. Would you pull back to me? Sweet miss did you believe in us. Don’t take out your frustrations on us. To think you almost got me to. Would you.
Don’t confuse your bad for mine. Don’t confuse love for a curse. We got all torn up from the inside. Was I just a mistake in your bed. Only once or twice.
No matter what transpired, your will to be better seems lacking. To think you almost got me to. You really don’t deserve it. Be who you who want to be. But I’ll judge and class. I’ll be who I want to be so think what you want of me.
No matter what happened you got it wrong. Don’t take out your frustrations on me. You projected it and to think you almost got what you wanted of me. Did you?
I swear I can’t stand this place and what’s becoming of me the longer I have to stay.
I want to think all unthinkable things and say what I shouldn’t say.
I need a change.
It’s the being away that gets me more and more convinced I could be away. With that said I won’t leave you today. My ideas are anything but concrete. It’s a hollowed shambled building that I’m creating. It’s a call to arms for the ideas but just one determined soldier is showing up.
I thought that it would be good. Turn out that I was wrong.
A new experienced me. A horrible me. Would crawl right back on busted legs and bloodied knees. I don’t know where I’d be going and I’d never be able to forget where I came from. I still can’t forget where I’ve come from. I don’t know if I’ll ever know where I’m going.
A new experienced me. Am I that? It’s a war, a constant fight, but it shouldn’t be.
I can’t go on. I can go on. Deflate these thoughts, I’m sick of them.
Fears one by one, enter my mind. I won’t let them become reality. I’m a failure, I’m a freak. The last thing you need.
Shudder. I quake. At the thought of a life where I always feel this way. Without you. Choke me.
I can’t go on with these thoughts. I’ll be gone long before you want me to be.
Honestly I’m taking big strides in the race towards normalcy. Love is crap emotion speaks. What’s really right? Who’s who to say. I can’t survive alone again. I don’t want to figure out how to.
But the flames sound nice today. To be alone. The fire of something new and exciting. A new day. A burning new day. Consuming me and destroying me. But I want it. Why.
I can’t go on with these thoughts. Maybe I tried too hard to not think. Make them go away.
I left a note in my mind. It said something about how I’d be completely miserable without you. I can go on. Would I? I can’t go on. I’ll be gone long before the new burning day. Help me. I just want help but who do I get it from. Will this work.
I want it to. I want to go on. I want to go on. Go on and on. I can go on. I would go on forever. I want to go on. I want to go on. I can go on. It’s not up to me though.
It is up to me. But I don’t know the answer.
You never really know, how much the things you have do matter. The things you did and didn’t do. The things you hate the most. They define you.
All these things, were lessons in living. It seems like we’re all fighting to be more than who we are. I’m fighting. Lock up my thoughts I’m happy and I don’t want to go to that destination anymore. I’m happy where I am.
Here I go again feeling sorry for myself. I’m not too old to pretend. I’m not pretending. Do I have a choice? All these things are stupid and I’m stupid. I’m fighting to be more than who I am. Or is that I just wish I could be more than who I am. Maybe I’m already exactly who I am. I’d be happy with that.
I’d be happy with me right now forever. I’m happy. I just can’t help but fighting it. It’s instinct.
My mind’s all bent. I scream for this to stop. I hate this fighting to get more than what I’ve got. I need to learn to appreciate. It’s all a big lottery and I’ve done pretty fucking well.
I love her.
The Falling Boy Two: Out
I confess these thoughts are messed up. And I know you’ve dressed up. You’re just the girl who wants me and loves me. I don’t blame me for being me, but you can’t blame me for hating it. I know I’m always late.
Write me off, don’t even take this bet. But you already have. You can make all the moves. You have, you got everything right but why am I still this way. You hit all the right buttons. I chased and chased. I’m just trying to be honest. This is ridiculous. I love you. I blame myself for thinking in these stupid blameful loops that I’m hating. I think I’m just a little late. I just need some time. I hope these thoughts will fade.
Baby I love you you’ve loved me. People don’t change and you love me just the way I am. Don’t think I’ve ever forgotten about you. I love that you’re a weirdo. I love you. It’s just not fair that I have to feel those other things. My head is a prison sometimes. But don’t you think I’ve ever not appreciated you. I always love you. So much.
I feel so lucky that you love me, a weirdo. I feel so lucky. I love you. You put a smile on my face. It’s only those secret places in my mind that I let run free, that aren’t fair to me or you. They don’t fight fair. Because they know I love you more than anything else in the world. I love you. I know this. My brain just isn’t fair sometimes.
But I love you and the smile you put on my face. I hope my little secrets disappear and conceal themselves so I can love you forever and give you so many smiles.
And don’t you ever forget about me. And don’t you ever not be loved by me.
Focus on all the good things. I’m forced to do this. My brain was being overthrown.
I don’t think I know.
I don’t think I know.
I don’t think I know.
These are the thoughts. The nightmares they bring. Horrible dreams of things I don’t want but maybe wish I could’ve had.
Focus on all the good things that will bring me closer to the meaning of happiness.
We are the thoughts, the thoughts in your mind. I’ll chase them around.
May the good thoughts champion, to ride down the evil.
They are the knights, the knights of my mind.
Won’t you stay, and share my name, for evermore.
This hiding place of all the bad thoughts. Screaming outwards onto paper. I sent them outwards to stay and be evicted from my mind. I just want you by my side.
I hold it in my everyday. Won’t you stay my babe. For the first time till the last time.
Won’t you stay.
Search my name. I finally found out how. I just need to hear your voice.
Your words sent my knights into action.
You are my knights, my nightmares you chase.
Let go of the…
Pink Hack Cough Tonne
I’m never gonna be tired. Never too tired. Never ever too tired.
It’s amazing. It’s close. It’s everything I’ve always wanted.
Monday night we’re having it.
Tuesday night we’re having it.
Wednesday night we’re having it.
I’m never gonna be too tired for sex.
You fuck. I fuck. We fuck. All week long we fuck.
Thursday night I’m having sex.
Friday night I’m having sex.
Saturday night I’m having sex.
Just need to remember to make love come true.
Tonight you’re down on your knees. I’m begging please.
Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. It’s pretty great.
All week long.
The Good Life
Check me out. I’m living it pretty good. I can’t really believe it. I always sort of expect things to be worse.
But no one can get my down but myself. Excuse my bitching. I really shouldn’t complain. I really shouldn’t have these feelings. Cause these feelings just cause pain. But who have I got to blame. Nobody but me.
I just don’t wanna be an old man filled with regret. I don’t wanna hate my life.
Cause right now I’m living it pretty good.
Screw these thoughts I’ve had it! I’m a pig I’m a dog. So excuse me if I drool over my imagination. It’s only that and just that.
Cause right now I’ve got it pretty damn good. The good life.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah a pretty good life.
And if in the end it doesn’t really work out, it’s not gonna be because of me or you and we’ll have had a good life. I never wanna go back to before. Now is just fine with me. It’s good.
It’s a good life.
Calling All Cadavers
Here it is again yet it’s stronger than the first time, I never want it to end but I don’t know how to control it.
I wish that I could erase all my previous states, all the damage done and all the possibility.
Why do I go? And look back at all that? What’s the point?
No the time has come I just wish I could erase all the damage done.
Where did I go? What was wrong with me? How did I love your bullshit act? Never once again no thank you.
It all sort of snuck up on. As did this. It was hiding in plain sight.
Why did you go? And make me fall in love like that. I’ve grown to love everything about you. It’s gonna be real heard if you have a heart attack. Why did you sneak up on me?
Thankyou for sneaking up on me.
So hold me hold me hold me won’t you. Hold me hold me hold me and never let go.
You’ll find me halfway between heaven and hell, just hold me and pull to the right side.
You’re centre stage, to all the stars all alone, you left all those lights burning as you took me alone.
Help me help me help me won’t you. Hold me hold me hold me please.
I found you up there all alone, surrounded by stars that you left you burning and alone.
Save my from myself, take my from myself, help me be myself.
You’re up there with the stars all alone. I hold you higher and higher and leave my mind burning when you left me alone.
Save me from myself. Help me help me won’t you.
Seeping in like a feeling, yes I am yes I am yes I am. You get me all worked up…
I LOVE YOU! I found the way; be with me stay with me follow me forever and ever and I’ll lead the way!
Frozen by the lights, blinded by your lights, burning by the sun. It’s just so much sometimes. But you lead the way and I’ll follow. It’s not safe to go alone, it’s best if we stick together.
I found the way. Away? No! From the top of my lungs I sing the truth violently! I love you and the look on your face.
It scares me, all the poems and the lies and thoughts and the distraction. Those fears and flames, I’ve found a way. Through them. Away from them. They’re nothing to hide behind. They aren’t impenetrable.
They might be strong, they might be strong, so very strong.
But you are me, we’re stronger. That’s the way.
This is the ending of this little block, a fitting ending if ever there was.
I saw you for the first time, each time a new time, each time a little bit more in love.
You could have sit there and told me not to try, I might have sat there and told you that I wouldn’t try.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
You got stuck in my head like a love song. You could’ve and should’ve and might well have told me not try, but it was eating me alive. Eating me alive. You were eating me alive.
I was suicide, self homicide to go after it but I just wanted it so much.
I lied and tried and tried and lied but I’m sure you did too. But it was eating me alive.
Look, there’s some bitterness about it. Just a little bit of vinegar spoiling those particular memories. I can’t imagine what was going through your head. Maybe you were just shit. Maybe you were just in the wrong. It aches me to think like that, it aches to think about it all. I want to erase those memories, remove them, clean the vinegar, turn it back into wine. A sweet wine. Because they spoil what should be amazing. Everything else was. It feels like a cloud just rains down on that one spot. I wonder if I can build an umbrella.